The Many Lives of Ben Robey

Ben Robey is kind of like Chuck Norris, except he's more badass.

Ben Robey is building skateboards, or at least he was in an exercise on page 188 (section 7-4) of a pre-algebra text book. This picture and name sparked a revolution in 1991 when Tim Leasher and his friends began making up facts about Ben and recording them in three volumes. These homemade, photocopied books each contain 1000 facts, in-jokes, song lyrics, existential truths and cliches turned upside-down about the legendary and multi-faceted Mr. Robey. These testimonies to the greatness of Ben were never released to the general public- readership was restricted to contributors and close friends, but through an anonymous liaison, "Madame X", with contacts on the inside of the hyper-secretive Robey organization, I have become privy to all three volumes. Contained this issue of S@TP are the general public's first glimpses of these strange and hilarious books. Madame X has risked life and limb to spirit them away from her sister (a Robyite) in the dead of night to my eager eyes. Presented here, despite death threats, ominous copyright notices and a veil of secrecy, are excerpts from Every Ben Robey Fact Known to Man, Every Other Ben Robey Fact Known to Man, and The Revenge of Ben Robey, with apologies to Mr. Leasher and due respect to the almighty Benjamin Clayton Rudy Gus Muhammad Nebuchadnezzar Robey.

  • In the hopes that he can make the world a better place, Ben Robey spray paints "STOP THE GRAFFITI" all over.
  • Ben Robey wonders how the hell Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang understand what the adults are saying in all their movies.
  • Ben Robey always forgets to do step 1 whenever he makes a TV dinner. Why can't he remember to take it out of the carton? Why, damnit? What in God's name is wrong with him?
  • Ben Robey goes around the country preaching that Pythagoras is the god of math and how everyone will burn in math hell if they don't follow the Pythagorean theorem.
  • "Ben Robey was a rolling stone. Where ever he laid his hat was his home"
  • Ben Robey likes to tease people with kidney diseases because they can't use epsom salt as a laxative except under the advice and supervision of a physician.
  • Ben Robey seduced Michael Jackson when he went to visit the Neverland Valley Ranch and forced MJ to sleep nude with him.
  • Ben Robey is so alternative that he started a mosh pit in the line for confirmation at church.
  • Ben Robey put the "Ben" in Ben Wah Balls.
  • Ben Robey hates being called "Benny". He just hates it!
  • Ben Robey thinks that Ultraman could whip the Mighty Morphin Rangers' ass if given half a chance.
  • Ben Robey thinks it's a marvelous night for a moondance.
  • Ben Robey sure hopes O.J. Simpson doesn't find out he was screwing his wife.
  • Ben Robey thinks it would be neat if supermodel Kate Moss had a son and named him Pete.
  • Ben Robey is tough on germs but soft on skin.
  • Ben Robey thinks Scooby Doo is no kind of role model for Scrappy Doo.
  • Ben Robey often wonders why he was chosen to represent section 7-4.
  • To start a barroom brawl with Eddie Vedder, Ben Robey calls him "daughter".
  • Ben Robey hates the way his tube of toothpaste and his tube of KY jelly look the same.
  • Ben Robey doesn't know which flick is funnier; "The Mask" starring Jim Carrey or "Mask", the movie about that kid with the peanut-shaped head.
  • Sometimes when Ben Robey is bored, he writes amusing facts about himself and wonders, "Gee, it would be really funny if someone were to make a book of these."
  • Ben Robey has the book with all the old tricks in it.
  • Ben Robey plumps when you cook him.
© 1996, Ken B. Miller & Contributors as Listed. | Reproduced from Shouting at the Postman #14, February, 1996 | 4784

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